A recent exchange I had with a fellow person living with ALS helped me understand a new perspective. The perspective of someone who is inextricably focused on the analytical truth of ALS. What do I mean by this? Well, the hard truth about ALS is; there is no cure. Scientists are not close to discovering a cure. Yes there are treatments that extend life, by miniscule amounts to the average person, but to those living with ALS, we feel different, well some do.

This individual and I had a very civil exchange, no vitriol, no finger pointing, and mutual respect for each others views. He is angry at the false hope perpetuated from every direction, paraphrased of course. I’m not sharing anything not felt by many. Anger can fuel and drive persons to live. This just isn’t my focus, personally.

He shared, very succinctly, his evidence to support his views, and honestly there is no argument. ALS is horrible, devastating, cruel and yes currently incurable. I and so many are acutely aware of this truth, yet we don’t allow the analytics to be our driving force. But, but…neither are wrong; in this climate of intolerance for others beliefs, we both accepted that our views were simply ours.

Ultimately we both hate ALS and the fact that it will take us from our families. The key difference is what drives us.

My focus is hope, although I’m keenly aware of the reality, I’m still hopeful. Hopeful, if not for m, for those to follow. Despite of all the analytical data, I’m extremely hopeful. I don’t refute the data, I am optimistic in spite of it.

Analytical, Hopeful or both…whatever drives you to live. You are living none the less.

Juan Reyes
TJO

The day we introduced you to these three letters, it altered our lives and relationships irrevocably. Regardless of your age at the time, you grasped the gravity, you understood. Your response broke me, not because you cried, but because you didn’t. You responded with a hug and “it’s ok”.

Your strength astounds me, I am blown away by your resilience. I know you cry when alone or with your siblings, asking, why them, why now, why us? I don’t have those answers. All I will say is, let’s make the most of it and create wonderful memories.

I know I’m supposed to take care of you, not the other way around. It was never supposed to be this way. I try not to cry, but I can’t help it when I look at you. My thoughts go back to my feeding you as a baby, now that you feed me. Now that our lives have forced us to switch roles.

Now, instead of talking about your future plans, we have conversations about my wishes; I have to let you know before I lose my voice. Your days now revolve around my needs; instead of spending time with friends, your days are spent caring for me.

Memories flood your mind while tears flow from your heart. My suffering has ended, and yours has just begun. Know this, the pain will never leave, but life will weave into it and soften it’s effect. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Once these three letters take hold, they never ever let go…
A-L-S.

Juan Reyes (TJO)

Yesterday I shared about unintentional or intentional comments that some might say, hurt, when uttered. One being, “you look good”, or “you don’t look sick”, respective our Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS).

So, what exactly do you expect to see, once you are aware that someone has ALS? Someone like Stephen Hawking? Or can you be honest and admit that you have no idea what it is, or what to expect. Don’t get me wrong, we know and understand it’s well intended. You have to realize that outward manifestations, or visible changes caused by ALS can be deceptive. But how, you may wonder.

Allow me to provide some context to the phrase, “looks can be deceiving”, applicable to ALS. Please understand that by the time one is diagnosed with ALS, the damage is already extensive, however barely perceivable. Physical signs could be as benign as a slight cough, or tickle in the throat. In my case, the scuffed toes of my shoes, later identified as foot drop.

ALS is so difficult to diagnose, that it can take up to two years, if you are not miss-diagnosed with MS, MD, Stroke and a slew of other conditions. The experts have to test for everything else and exclude them before settling on ALS. So if we don’t look sick, or decrepit, it’s not us it’s you.

Let’s look beneath the skin to help you understand. ALS as it begins, is imperceptible. Microscopic nerve cells begin to change, what causes this, extensive research has yet to pinpoint this. Eventually those nerve cells die, specifically nerves that control voluntary movements. There are more physiological systems and organs that are affected than you know. We, the afflicted and our families quickly learn this awful truth.

By the time ALS is even considered as a possible diagnosis, thousands or millions of nerve cells have died.

THERE IS NOTHING,TODAY, TO STOP IT!

We will not get better! There are rare exceptions of individuals reversing or halting their ALS. Research is underway to understand why and how.

When we do receive the news, there is a huge mental hurdle to overcome, the first of many more to come. If one is able to come to terms with this new reality, I say if because many simply can’t, to include family members and partners. The physical changes and challenges aren’t far behind.

I may look different, being in a wheelchair. I may sound different, or not be able to speak, but I’m still me, we are all still ourselves. Our minds and feelings are in tact, altered, perhaps frail, but still here.

I, we appreciate your kind words, just realize that how we look is not a reflection of the death that is progressing within us. Our families are keenly and painfully aware. As they see us and the nuanced changes in our bodies. Imagine the pain of a person afflicted with a rapid progression, able bodied one day an gone months later.

This is one of the cruelest diseases, don’t add to the pain by being insensitive, be kind In thought, words and deeds .

Juan Reye
TJO